i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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