YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
