I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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