Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
