im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
