Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
