Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
