I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
