I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
