Do you still have your period?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
