I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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