i permit you to call me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
