If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
