All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
