Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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