Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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