I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
