My friends, they love my intelligence
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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