Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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