my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
