Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
