I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
