So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
