You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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