So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I did not marry a roomba.
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