kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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