Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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