I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
