Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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