he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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