you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
