Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
