Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
