I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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