you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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