You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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