u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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