I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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