I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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