did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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