I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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