How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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