Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
soo... how was my night?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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