I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
