So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
