is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
