I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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