Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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