I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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