I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
